This summer I can't help thinking how I want to be in Ukraine or Kenya or both or in some other country. This is the first summer in three years that I will be home for the whole summer. There is something in me that wants to go. I have a passion for missions. However, I have been reflecting on why I want to go right now. I realize that part of my thoughts and desires are unhealthy. As I look at people's pictures and posts from Ukraine and Kenya, my heart aches to be there. I want to go and love on these people, but a part of me wants to be accepted, loved in return, needed, and for my identity to be what I am doing to help others. Pride is huge factor and so are the unhealthy parts of my life that are being pulled out in front of me, realizing my identity is so grounded in what man thinks of me. This summer God has been showing me the unhealthy parts of my heart, the fears, and thoughts that are not of Him. I realize that my identity in man plays a huge part in my life. I long for my identity to be in God. That I may be so rooted in who I am in Him and not care what man thinks of me. Some of my fears or unhealthy thoughts are desire for approval and acceptance, fear of disappointing people, assumption thinking,and a desire to be needed and noticed. Yesterday as I viewed posts and fell into self-pity of not being able to go anywhere, I had to reflect why it hurt so much and what were my motives. It hit me hard when I realized a lot of it stems from a focus on ME and not the people in the other countries. So many people have asked me where I am going this summer and I have to tell them I am not going anywhere this year. Not being able to tell them I am going anywhere hurts my pride and identity. I notice now how much I was allowing those trips to be somewhat of an identity for me.
I see now that God wanted me here this summer to purge me of fears, thoughts, and desires that are not of Him and to learn to let go of 'me.' These are hard lessons but so good. Growth is hard but beautiful at the same time. I know in my heart that God has given me a passion for missions and will use that someday. I am learning that I need to remove the 'me' from my passion for missions and my identity and make it fully about Him.
God please remove the dirt and scum from my heart. Please fill it with the more of You! God, humble me and change my heart. Lord may my identity be changed to reflect who I am in You. Continue to teach me and help me to fully understand Your love and grace for me. Thank you Abba! God help me not to miss what is going here this summer instead of where I could or want to be. Change my heart God!