Friday, April 22, 2011

Trust

To be honest these last two weeks have been pretty tough. I found out in these last two weeks some devastating news about someone in my family.  I can't share the news over blog but don't mind sharing with you all in person and some of you already know.  Anyways, at the initial time of hearing the news I was comforted as I saw how God's timing was perfect for me. I couldn't have handled hearing the news a day earlier. At the Japan fundraiser I was able to talk to a friend about what is going on in my life in regards to this family member even before I found out the devastating news. I had already lost hope somewhat in the current situation with my family member and she was able to speak into my life and pray for me. She told me to ask God to reveal to me how much He has transformed my life and how much He loves me so that I can bring this love of restoration to my family member. The next morning I was so encouraged and went on the beach and spent awesome time with the Lord. On my way back from the beach I was able to pray with a friend over the phone for this family member. That afternoon my parents told me the news. I was devastated and crushed. I went to church that night and cried out my heart. I was encouraged though as I reminded myself of God's faithfulness and received prayer from others. However, these last two weeks I let depression, my fears, and my mind take over. I knew deep in my heart that God is able, that He is faithful, and that I can trust Him; but instead I wanted to believe my mind in thinking that this situation is impossible. I wrestled with this the last two weeks. I felt discouraged and a heaviness about the whole situation.

  I ended up going to Third Wednesday even though I kind of just wanted to go wallow in my depression at home instead. I am so glad I went though! As I joined into worship at first I was struggling. I felt like how I can praise God when I can't even let myself trust Him. I have seen Him heal my brother from cancer and walk my family through some gnarly things but for some reason I let a wall up in this situation. As I continued to worship I just cried out to God and poured out my fears, doubts, and frustrations. I asked Him to lift this heaviness surrounding me and to break the wall of fear of doubt. By the end of the night, God broke through to me. I realized then that I had let my flesh and mind take over and that by not trusting God I wasn't changing anything. I was just hurting myself in trying to stay in control of the situation with my mind. That night I finally surrendered and let it go. I feel so much lighter! This situation is still painful but God has restored my hope and I will not stop praying and crying out to the Lord. I am so grateful to be His daughter and that I can receive true peace, joy, and hope during trials.

Thank you Abba for Your Faithfulness and for being Trustworthy! Thank you for healing my heart :) I want to remain in surrender and to trust You. Nothing is impossible for You! Even if the circumstances do not change help me to continue trusting You. Please continue to give me Your strength. Please continue to transform my life. Show me Your love for this family member and help me to share that with them. Thank you Jesus!

10 comments:

  1. Ashley, this blog post will be a milestone that you will always be able to look back on, to remember how faithful our God is. If you ever feel doubtful or disheartened, you will be able to look at this and know that God is truly our Father!

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  2. Well we shall just have to talk so that I have a better idea of how to be praying for you! And YES! How great was 3rd Wednesday!! Glad to see that God lifted your heaviness! You have been such a rad slice Ashley so thanks for being a part of our Circle and sharing your open and honest feelings!

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  3. I am sooo glad you had this breakthrough! I am so excited for you because like David said, this will be something you look back on for strength in hard times to come. I was just telling my mom today what an amazing person you are and how I am so blessed to have you in my life to support, for support, and to be my work out buddy. I am so excited for what God has in store for our relationship together as sisters in Christ. Love you!

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  4. aw sweet ashley... you are strong. you are strong, because you depend on Him. i loved reading this because it is so obvious how in tune with the Spirit you are. it is always so wonderful to hear about people talking to the Spirit in a personable way. that is how it is supposed to be! i'll be praying for continued strength throughout this time, but it also seems like through your brokenness the Lord is teaching you so much. praise God for that! love you.

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  5. I struggle with trust too when calamity hits. I KNOW in my mind that He is huge and asks me to come to Him but I struggle with the same thing... letting my mind take over and wallowing in my own thoughts about how I am going to work this out, but really I SO QUICKLY forget that He is literally waiting for me just to start... Lord, Lord... I am praying for your continued trusting of Him as you gain the courage to cast all of your cares on Him and Him alone.

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  6. beautiful ashley. thank you for the things you've shared in this and in outside conversations. one thing i truly value you in you is your honesty of emotion. you are not hiding; you are broken and blameless. i love you.

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  7. Ash-hun,
    Theres love in my heart that wants to pour out all over you. I am in prayer for you and for this situation. May the Lord's face shine upon you and may you find joy and strength in Him to dance the cares of this world away as you trust Him fully. I really would love to see you soon. xoxo

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  8. I think a key word that you mentioned was surrender. That really popped out off the page to me and I think it resonates a lot with the title of this post- trust. Trusting God requires a surrender that is impossible without Him. We have to totally and completely allow Him to consume every part of us. In doing this, and in this surrender, He gives us peace which gives birth to trust that this world cannot explain.

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  9. it's so easy to believe our minds and our understanding of the situation over who we KNOW God to be. God makes the impossible possible. He is the ultimate hope, the ultimate healer, the supreme comforter. it is so encouraging to see your ability to glorify God through this situation by just crying out to Him. He is faithful. youre a studdess for the Lord ashley, fsho :)

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