Friday, April 22, 2011

Trust

To be honest these last two weeks have been pretty tough. I found out in these last two weeks some devastating news about someone in my family.  I can't share the news over blog but don't mind sharing with you all in person and some of you already know.  Anyways, at the initial time of hearing the news I was comforted as I saw how God's timing was perfect for me. I couldn't have handled hearing the news a day earlier. At the Japan fundraiser I was able to talk to a friend about what is going on in my life in regards to this family member even before I found out the devastating news. I had already lost hope somewhat in the current situation with my family member and she was able to speak into my life and pray for me. She told me to ask God to reveal to me how much He has transformed my life and how much He loves me so that I can bring this love of restoration to my family member. The next morning I was so encouraged and went on the beach and spent awesome time with the Lord. On my way back from the beach I was able to pray with a friend over the phone for this family member. That afternoon my parents told me the news. I was devastated and crushed. I went to church that night and cried out my heart. I was encouraged though as I reminded myself of God's faithfulness and received prayer from others. However, these last two weeks I let depression, my fears, and my mind take over. I knew deep in my heart that God is able, that He is faithful, and that I can trust Him; but instead I wanted to believe my mind in thinking that this situation is impossible. I wrestled with this the last two weeks. I felt discouraged and a heaviness about the whole situation.

  I ended up going to Third Wednesday even though I kind of just wanted to go wallow in my depression at home instead. I am so glad I went though! As I joined into worship at first I was struggling. I felt like how I can praise God when I can't even let myself trust Him. I have seen Him heal my brother from cancer and walk my family through some gnarly things but for some reason I let a wall up in this situation. As I continued to worship I just cried out to God and poured out my fears, doubts, and frustrations. I asked Him to lift this heaviness surrounding me and to break the wall of fear of doubt. By the end of the night, God broke through to me. I realized then that I had let my flesh and mind take over and that by not trusting God I wasn't changing anything. I was just hurting myself in trying to stay in control of the situation with my mind. That night I finally surrendered and let it go. I feel so much lighter! This situation is still painful but God has restored my hope and I will not stop praying and crying out to the Lord. I am so grateful to be His daughter and that I can receive true peace, joy, and hope during trials.

Thank you Abba for Your Faithfulness and for being Trustworthy! Thank you for healing my heart :) I want to remain in surrender and to trust You. Nothing is impossible for You! Even if the circumstances do not change help me to continue trusting You. Please continue to give me Your strength. Please continue to transform my life. Show me Your love for this family member and help me to share that with them. Thank you Jesus!